furtl Page 4

  “Manny!” Steve said. “Welcome, welcome.”

  “Hi, Steve.”

  “I didn’t think we would see you here tonight.”

  “Surprise.”

  “Right! Gotcha!” Steve said. “Great seeing ya. Lemme show you to your table.” As they walked, Steve began to grease Manny. “Your support is a crucial part of Congressman Aimes’s continued success. We should get you two some face time. He’d really love that.”

  The head table, festooned with bread, wine, table tents, and Aimes T-shirts, was an uncomfortable place for Manny. Sitting next to him was Angelica Edmunds, well known in DC political circles as a gatekeeper to money and influence on the Christian circuit. Young and vivacious, she had decided that aggressive flirting was what Jesus would do. Jesus was also, in her assessment, okay with cheek implants.

  “Well, hello there, Manny,” she said, giving his hand a gentle stroke.

  “Hi, Angelica.”

  “Sure are lookin fit. Been hittin the gym?” she said, grabbing Manny’s bicep.

  “No.”

  “You are too modest, just like JC! Anyhoozles, this is so exciting! Congressman Aimes has been really doing some great work recently.”

  Pete Smart chimed in from across the table. “Lester’s support for SAWNG really convinced me to throw my weight behind him. Get it!?” Pete said as he cradled his ample belly.

  The Support American Workers Not Guests (SAWNG) Act of 2024 was designed to close loopholes in guest worker legislation that was part of comprehensive immigration reform from a decade prior. SAWNG received strong support from both Democrats and Republicans. Since guest workers couldn’t vote, political fallout from reducing their numbers was minimal. And politicians were still loathe to upset their non-Latino working class constituencies whose anger had risen to a fever pitch over the threat of cheap Mexican labor stealing their jobs. That Mexican immigration to the United States – legal and illegal – had been on a steady decline for many years had little impact on this position.

  “Now we just need to get the gays out of our educational system,” Angelica interjected.

  “I for one am praying for a ban on the heathenistic biology e-textbooks I see out there. Pete said. “Aimes has assured me that KRRAMMO will take care of that.”

  “KRRAMMO?” Manny asked.

  “Yeah, the Keep R-Rated and Mature Material Out bill.”

  The lights dimmed. “Oh, that’s my cue, excuse me, y’all,” Angelica said as she jumped up from the table and bounced over to the podium.

  Angelica adjusted her bright yellow strapless blouse at the glass podium that had a “Reelect Aimes in ’26” banner draped across its front. Angelica’s wide-mouthed smile beamed out to no one in particular as she took stock of the expansive dinner hall. Chandelier light bounced off jewelry and silverware in every direction. The glass teleprompters to Angelica’s right and left lit up with her prepared speech. The clanging of wine glasses and people helping themselves to their second and third plate of the garlic, bacon, and sausage mashed potatoes died down just enough to give Angelica her opening. She gave her microphone a soft tap then jumped back and let out a momentary squeal when she heard a low thud echo through the room.

  “When the reverend down at our little megachurch over on East Elm told me that they would like me to introduce Congressman Les Aimes tonight, I was certain there had been an error. But lo and behold, here I am. Little ol’ me. Without Congressman Aimes, our little prayer space would be but a pipe dream in the old noggins of a few humble God-fearing Americans…”

  “And with that, I thank you for coming and for your continued support. I will not let you down,” Aimes said as he pressed his fist into the podium. He ended with his staple refrain: “Washington DC bureaucrats, be warned!” His stern expression relented. “Enjoy yourself, enjoy the dessert, and God bless you all.”

  Manny took a few bites of his blueberry pie as those around him applauded. The integrity of the pie was compromised by substantial amounts of whipped cream and peanut butter cups, a favorite dish of Congressman Aimes.

  Aimes’ election campaigns did not shy away from using his obesity – he was 5’6 and 310 pounds – to their advantage. Since 2021, when the US obesity rate eclipsed 80%, many politicians fattened themselves up during election season to appeal to voters that preferred to see politicians as “just like them.” Aimes was an overachiever. He was fat all the time.

  Manny put his jacket on. As he made it to the door, he saw a long line of greeters by the stage waiting to talk to the congressman, who made his way down the three stairs from the podium with the help of two of his aides holding each of his arms for support. He now stood next to the stage greeting his support base.

  As Manny walked past on his way to the door, Aimes saw him and halted his conversation. Manny could have escaped if he wanted to, but something about Lester shuffling over in orthopedic shoes as his benefactors looked on compelled Manny to stop.

  “Manny!” Aimes said, breathing hard.

  “Congressman,” Manny said, reaching out his hand for a shake. Aimes took his hand, using it more to keep himself upright than for greeting purposes.

  “Leaving so soon?” Aimes asked, out of breath.

  “Big day tomorrow. Kite kayaking.”

  “Look, Manny, I wanted you to introduce me tonight. I did.”

  “Not sure I represent your constituency these days. D’you have to support the ban on the Will and Grace musical at the public theater?”

  “Re-election is coming up,” Aimes said.

  “Re-election is always coming up.”

  “Manny, I’m still the independent spirit you supported six years ago. I wouldn’t be here without you, and I appreciate your support. It’s just that the political landscape has changed a little bit. Your dream of a simplified tax code will soon be a reality. I’m putting the finishing touches on an appropriations amendment that I think you’ll really appreciate. I’m gonna send you some of the language.”

  “Okay. Well, you have some supporters waiting…” Manny nodded toward the line.

  “Manny, c’mon,” Aimes pleaded. “Let’s grab lunch next week.”

  2.5

  Manny got into bed a little before 10 p.m. He was surprised to see Mindy a) still up and b) working on one of Manny’s old laptops. Early into their relationship she lost interest in Manny’s hacktivism and moved away from technology, just as Manny was becoming defined by technology, by the technology he created, and the revolution in human activity that it spawned.

  Over time, Mindy became one of “those people.” In the olden days, “those people” took pleasure in telling you that they didn’t own a television, even if your conversation had nothing to do with television (Question: “Did you hear about the snowstorm heading this way?” Answer: “I don’t own a TV.”). Now, “those people” claimed to not own a computer or a phone and managed to work that fact into as many conversations as possible. Mindy used computers on her fridge, blender, and toaster all the time, and she used Manny’s phone and computing devices if she really needed to, but at social gatherings she told people that she didn’t herself own any of these devices and that she was suspicious about the effects of all those “rays” on the immune system. After a while, it was a surprise to neither Manny nor Mindy that people on the receiving end of these statements pointed out the irony of her union with a technology wunderkind. They both tended to shrug it off and change the subject.

  Mindy’s movement away from computers not only coincided with Manny’s growing obsession with them but with the growing emotional distance between them. When Mindy first met Manny, he was technically a computer science major. But Manny had grown bored with class and wasn’t hacking or programming at all by then, primarily because he transitioned from BOING! ULTRA to BOING! ULTRA and rum, or the “RumBoing” as it was referred to at his favorite bar, Al K. Haul’s Gastropub. His new and only drink of choice gave him endless amounts of energy minus the inhibitions. His tunnel vision ste
pped in and he stopped going to class altogether, which the university frowned upon. The university also frowned upon people hang-gliding into alumni university chapel windows.

  He met Mindy at the sports rehabilitation center where she was an intern and he was undergoing physical therapy for the shoulder dislocated during the hang-gliding stunt. Manny was attracted to her blunt, straightforward personality. Mindy enjoyed his anti-authority rants while she slowly and carefully rotated his shoulder over his head. A few weeks into the rehabilitation, the investigation resulted in Manny being expelled from Southwest Minnesota State, ending his access to the college’s rehab facilities. Mindy offered him free rehabilitation after hours. As their romance blossomed, she suggested Manny refocus his energy, that he turn away from partying and get back to computers. Manny resisted at first. When he fell ten feet while trying to spray paint the Public Enemy symbol on a Southwest Minnesota State statue of their mascot, the Mustang, Mindy’s advice started to sink in.

  Mindy continued with her sports medicine degree, and Manny moved in with her. He began hacking politicians’ websites and replacing their materials with his own views on subjects like social security reform. At the same time, he started tweaking the furtl algorithm and looking for investors to further support his efforts. Retrofitting the algorithm for mobile devices and getting investors both went slowly at first, and Manny would have given up except that Mindy kept insisting he could do it. She also supported them on her sports rehab salary and provided some startup money for a new computer to replace his INSstyLix 3000 – his computer from childhood that had grown all but unresponsive in its old age.

  After a few years of toil, Mindy’s financial support, and multiple disappointments, the furtl algorithm started gaining traction on tablets, phones, and watches around the world. Soon, furtl branched out into other areas of revenue generation, and Manny began spending even more time at his new office and less time with Mindy. He knew he was focusing too much on furtl, but his addictive personality made it difficult for him to do anything halfway. Mindy’s anti-computer stance began to expand during this time, and Manny couldn’t help feeling responsible.

  Which was why it was strange that Mindy was using a computer when Manny returned from the fundraiser. “How was it?” she asked.

  “Disappointing,” Manny replied.

  “Shocker. I’m beat.” Mindy shut the laptop, put it down beside the bed, and engaged her side of the Sleepmax Gyroscopic Thermafoam 2000. The 2000 model had “individualized comfort zones”: two separate gyroscopes and form fitting foam for maximum personal comfort. Gyroscopes created a sense of weightlessness for the user that, according to a single ten-person study funded by Sleepmax, reduced overall joint strain and increased average rapid eye movement hours per night. The improved foam technology created a womb-like experience by forming a more complete contour to the user’s body than previous bed foam technology. Mindy and Manny’s last bed, the TGS1000, was a single gyroscope model, meaning Manny couldn’t read while his early-to-bed wife was asleep. And when they both slept in the TGS1000, there were frequent squabbles over the specific float and contour settings. The 2000 solved these problems. It also created a floating wall of foam between them.

  2.6

  When Manny entered his office the next morning, two large men in security guard uniforms were waiting. After he walked in the door, Kurt Sturdoch walked in behind him, flanked by a number of executives, including Susie Mays. Kurt closed the door.

  “Manny, we should chat,” he said. His voice was soft and tender, as if he was about to tell Manny someone he cared for had passed away.

  “What’s going on?” Manny asked, eyeing the security guards.

  “Please sit down,” Kurt said.

  Manny sat down in his chair. Kurt remained standing.

  “You been a bad boy Manny.” Soft and tender Kurt was transitioning to condescending and smug Kurt.

  “What is this?” Manny asked.

  “Your perverted activities have been exposed.”

  “What?”

  Susie started to cry. “They saw the emails you sent me.”

  “What emails?”

  “The dirty ones! I told you I wouldn’t do that anymore!” Susie’s innocent Midwest accent emerged in full force.

  “Anymore?” Manny said.

  “You know what I’m talking about. Just ’cuz I grew up on a farm doesn’t mean I like that kind of sex!”

  For five long minutes Susie cried while describing a series of lurid acts that the two supposedly engaged in. Manny, in shock, heard only the keywords: cocaine, bunny suits, and Home Depot bathrooms. Apparently there was evidence in the form of videos and emails. Manny had only vague memories of the night they were intimate, but he knew that it didn’t involve fluffing.

  Manny trusted Dan Menziger, who had represented Manny during many of his toughest legal battles, including a number of extortion efforts of dubious legal standing. Dan seemed to enjoy taking on these cases and squashing Manny’s foes.

  “I think you’re screwed,” Dan told Manny with his trademark expressionless delivery as he sat in the chair in front of Manny’s desk. “Evidence is bad. The emails are graphic, and there’s video from webcams in Susie’s office. If this gets out, the court of public opinion won’t be kind.”

  “I didn’t write those emails.”

  “They’re from your computers and your mobile. Some are from your thumbscan-protected computer right here.” He nodded toward the computer on Manny’s desk.

  “I left her in my office for two minutes yesterday,” Manny said, his voice turning whiny.

  “Can you prove that?”

  “Maybe.”

  “And the video?”

  “I don’t know anything about that.”

  “Does it exist?”

  “I don’t know.”

  Dan looked at Manny with an expression of recognition. Dan knew something had happened.

  Manny remembered being alone with Susie in her office, seeing her close the door, lock it, and mix him a drink. Because Manny almost never drank, he suspected his lack of memory was just a result of a low tolerance. But before Manny blacked out, he also remembered kissing Susie — and he remembered liking it.

  After it happened, however, he felt his stomach churn every time he thought about the betrayal. He told himself that his emotional pain revealed how much he wanted to bridge the distance between him and his wife.

  If you want to fight this, I’m here,” Dan told him with his eyebrows raised and a resigned grimace on his face, letting Manny know that it wasn’t his first choice of action. “But your wife is gonna get dragged into this.”

  “I don’t want that.”

  “The board’s legal team has informed me that the buyout offer you received yesterday still stands,” Dan said.

  “I can’t let them win.”

  “It’s your decision.”

  “They just want me out of the way.”

  “That may happen whether you fight or not.”

  “You’re not filling me with optimism.”

  “I want you to understand your options.”

  Manny heard the voice of his wife in his memory telling him to take the deal.

  A few hours later, Manny stood before Kurt’s desk, Dan by his side. Kurt was reclined in his La-Z-Boy and looking proud. A team of lawyers flanked Kurt. The air smelled of the Cuban cigars Kurt was unwrapping in his lap, in preparation of a celebration. “I think today I’m going to treat myself to a real one. Is that OK with you, Manny?”

  “This is ridiculous,” Manny said, shaking his head.

  “Your deviant sex drive is ridiculous,” Kurt responded, licking his unwrapped cigar.

  2.7

  Manny walked to the front door of his house with a cardboard box filled with tablets, hard drives, and phones. His entire career could be collected into less than one medium-sized box, which he found both amusing and pathetic. His departure from the building was swift and un-nostalgic, however,
and for that he was grateful. Very few people from the firm’s original days were still there anyway, and so not many people seemed worked-up by Manny’s departure. He was, in fact, surprised at how little he felt leaving that building. Part of him was more than happy to never have to sit in his office again, to never have to sit through another interminable meeting with advertisers about brand optimization, to never have to wonder why 64% of users responded better to Helvetica 10 point blue italicized font than they did Lucida sans serif 11 point violet bold.

  As Manny stood outside the door, he felt as if a weight had been lifted off his pasty, pale, and rounded shoulders. He felt a sense of new beginnings, new opportunities waiting just over the proverbial horizon, and he felt renewed hope for his relationship with the woman waiting inside for him. As he was opening the door, she emerged.

  “I took the deal.”

  Mindy looked at Manny.

  “Let’s make things simple again,” Manny said. “Just me and you and all the kite kayaking we can handle. We…”

  “You fucked your communications director!”

  “What?”

  Mindy held up a tablet computer with a furtl news article about Manny’s indiscretions.

  “It was a setup.”

  “You didn’t fuck her?”

  “I don’t know what happened.”

  “I checked your emails. I saw what you wrote to her.”

  “That’s not possible,” Manny said, knowing full well that, based on the emails he was shown at furtl, it was possible.

  “Having sex with a soldering iron is not possible, but you seem to have tried that anyway. Pervert.”

  Clearly even the most absurd details had leaked, Manny thought.

  “I took the deal to sweep these ridiculous claims under the table so we could go back to a simpler time…when…”Mindy put her hand up. “Goodbye, Manny.” Mindy walked out the door with two duffle bags.